found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
