Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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