Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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