If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
