It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
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