WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
