I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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