You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
