I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
