someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want to fling myself into the sun
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
