Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
