Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
