Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
