you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Less talking, more tequila
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
