I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
