The maid of honor just puked.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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