Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
