I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
His nipple licking is glorious
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