I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
