i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
