So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
