why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
