I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
