Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
