in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
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