So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
