When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
