I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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