I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
