so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
