she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
