oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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