i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
