Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
