Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
