The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
