Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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