i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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