You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
