I'm gonna have a badass scar
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
