4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
