dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
