I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
