Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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