she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
