If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
