Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
