Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Randomize
