Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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