Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
