Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
