my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
