Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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