No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
