I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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