nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
